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A space alien moved into my home; how do I get rid of it? Real Questions from Fans

Dear Fletch,

A space alien moved into my home in September. I can hear and smell it but not see it. It walks around from 2:30 a.m. to 4:15. It eats my food and uses the bathroom. I reported it to the police, but they think I am crazy. I need help. How do I stop it from entering?

Fletch says:

Extraterrestrials smell, for sure. It's like Limburger cheese and lutefisk in a hot-yoga sock microwaved in the office kitchen; that's something people don't talk about enough. But, since you can't see it, maybe it is a spectre.

Worry not. Monk Dom Calmet provides a solution in Of Spectres which Haunt Houses.

Step 1: Open a magic book of the Egyptians
Step 2: Conjure the specter by reading from the book
Step 3: With the specter present, pronounce magical invocations
Step 4: Observe where the phantom disappears into the ground

At this point, a contractor excavates that spot, finds the spectre's skeleton, and provides a proper burial. See Ch. 36, pgs. 240-241.

Problem solved, easy peasy.

But first, and this is very important, call an exterminator, advises Calmut.

[I]t will be cats or owls, or even rats, which by making a noise frighten the master and domestics, as it happened some years ago at Mosheim, where large rats amused themselves in the night by moving and setting in motion the machines with which the women bruise hemp and flax. An honest man who related it to me, desiring to behold the thing nearer, mounted up to the garret armed with two pistols, with his servant armed in the same manner. After a moment of silence, they saw the rats begin their game; they let fire upon them, killed two, and dispersed the rest.

Augustin Calmet's, The Phantom World, or The Philosophy of Spirits, Apparitions, etc. (1751 republished London 1850).

Calmut, of course, is best known for his respected research on the vampires of Hungary, Bohemia, and Moravia in 1746.

Note that using pistols is a terrible idea in 2020, but hiring a proper exterminator should do the trick.

Write to Fletch at with your questions about strange phenomena.

Image Source: Beckie at Flickr CC BY 2.0 ( hat added).

Fletcher Jain is a fictional character in Druids are from OuterSpace, Aliens are from England. Get your copy today.

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